Dear bathing suit designer:

Bathing suits of yesteryear. Comfort for all!

Bring back bathing suits for strong and confident women.  The ones that encourage us to run on the beach and embrace every phase of womanhood instead of making us focus on picking dental floss out of our ass cheeks.   I once read a blog post entitled “how to wear a bikini.”  The post said “step one: buy a bikini.  step two: put it on.”  This is easier said than done with the options you provide us.

I have bathing suit envy.  The other day I went shopping with my husband for a bathing suit.  He bought a nice pair of Hurley board shorts.  They look extremely comfortable, tie at the waist and then go down to the knee.  In fact, he also purchased a matching sun shirt.  I would look AMAZING in that!  You know what I don’t look amazing in?  Your stupid bathing suit designs.

Why the hell are you putting women in their bra and panties?  I am so over it.  I’m over the uncomfortable material, the restricted movement, the complete shaving hack job I have to go through to put on a woman’s bathing suit and I’m sick of my clothes coming off when a wave hits me.  I’m tired of your bathing suit designs that are meant for pre-pubescent girls.  It was all fun and games before I birthed three boys but now putting on a bathing suit is just another way to put forever young norms on women that are no longer so young.

The options you provide women for bathing suits SUCK.

My days at the pool or the beach include sipping a margarita and reading a book.  They have me jumping in and out of rough ocean water to protect my children as they navigate over the waves and under the waves.  I’m buried in sand and running and jumping and diving.  I am not, I repeat NOT in some kind of tropical paradise with other Victoria Secret models pretending to throw a beach ball or leaning coyly under a damn waterfall.  I’m that mom with salt in her hair, looking slightly crazy and not giving two shits.  I need a bathing suit that I’m comfortable in, not worrying about what is hanging out, what’s about to come off or what’s pressing my extra fat folds here and there.

Can we please fix this issue?    Years ago I purchased a bathing suit from Athleta for just this reason.  They had this cute “bikini” that consisted of a halter top and some shorts.  It’s adorable, it fits and I feel comfortable when I’m at the beach.  There’s also a sun shirt as a cover up!  The only cons to my halter top is that I get very bad shoulder muscle pain from the lack of support.  It’s not so great when I’m stringing my “girls” up.  I’ve worn the shorts so much that the string has come out and they tend to fly off when I get knocked out by a wave.  They no longer provide the same set and so I’ve therefore purchased a new similar set.  I’ll let you know how it goes.   I love Athleta simply because their brand encourages women to be strong, healthy and confident.  I would love them even more if they had more options.  Many of their “shorts” are clingy and tight, however I am cautiously optimistic about their “Fun in the Sun” swim short.  Too bad they don’t have some patterned shorts.  Hint!  Hint!

This is a business opportunity!  While women are breaking glass ceilings and looking for equal pay, let’s burn these damn bathing suits.  Dare to design board shorts for all!  I’ll settle for the bathing suits of yesteryear.  See above picture.  Please deliver by summer.



4 thoughts on “Dear bathing suit designer:

  1. Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

    I’ve bought all-in-one bathing suits since having kids; bikinis are now just a distant memory. I prefer the long bodied (to come down and completely cover my fat arse), ruched front (to flatten/attempt to hide my stomach), and under-wired/padded bra cups (to give my flat chest at least some sort of oomph) variety. I have a lovely red one that makes me look like Catherine Zeta Jones when I wear it…in my head. Obviously I’ve never actually looked in the mirror lol!!

    1. Rainey Post author

      I have missed most of the comments on my page and I wish I saw this earlier! I look like Catherine Zeta Jones in my head also…until I accidentally use the camera app on my phone and it’s reversed Jabba the Hut mode!

  2. Katrina

    I almost fell off the chair reading this as I envisioned your words, so funny and yet so damn true!!!!! I cringe knowing the warm weather is coming, trying to get a suit to make the girls look good and cover my booty with lots of junk in the trunk, and suck in the tummy is exhausting!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog!!!!


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