My struggle with myself and anxiety.

In the last couple of years I have had quite a few changes in my life.  My husband is in the middle of a job transition, I am turning fifty, and I’ve started to suffer debilitating anxiety attacks while driving.   I’ve viewed these as three separate situations in my life until recently.  I now believe that my truth is a bit more complex than I had originally thought.

While discussing my anxiety with my mother, it came to light that she too started to suffer from panic attacks at my age.  There seems to be a link between hormonal chaos and anxiety.  My lucky husband!  First PMS and now this!  I have found numerous articles on the subject but of course my gyn/doctor says there’s no relation and suggested an antidepressant.  I declined her offer, not because I believe antidepressants do not help people, but because my symptoms were quickly dismissed. I’m also the kind of person who not only sees the glass as half full, but I also see sparkles in the water.   I don’t want to jump on medication as my answer without further investigation.

What do I mean by anxiety?  What were my symptoms? Continue reading

I AM….Two of the most powerful words in midlife.

 

In my childhood I was naive.  In my teen years I was insecure and a bit of a brat towards my parents.  My college years consisted of chaos and some education mixed in.  In my twenties I defined my adult identity but rushed it and would up married with a baby and unsure of my place in life.  In my thirties I was a divorced single mom.  In my forties I was mother to three, a wife and career minded.   This year I turn fifty and I am actively considering the new me.  I am trying to finish the phrase “I am.”

50! Continue reading

Dear bathing suit designer:

Bathing suits of yesteryear. Comfort for all!

Bring back bathing suits for strong and confident women.  The ones that encourage us to run on the beach and embrace every phase of womanhood instead of making us focus on picking dental floss out of our ass cheeks.   I once read a blog post entitled “how to wear a bikini.”  The post said “step one: buy a bikini.  step two: put it on.”  This is easier said than done with the options you provide us.

I have bathing suit envy.  The other day I went shopping with my husband for a bathing suit.  He bought a nice pair of Hurley board shorts.  They look extremely comfortable, tie at the waist and then go down to the knee.  In fact, he also purchased a matching sun shirt.  I would look AMAZING in that!  You know what I don’t look amazing in?  Your stupid bathing suit designs. Continue reading

The legacies you leave behind.

Two days ago I had a vivid dream.  I was walking through my grandparents home in Pennsylvania.  My  grandfather was cooking bacon and eggs at the stove.  He had a percolator of fresh coffee heated and ready to drink.  I could feel the love in the house, see the sunlight streaming through the kitchen window, feel the floor beneath my feet, and could smell the scent of my grandparents in the air.  Suddenly, they vanished.  I started to mourn and exclaim out loud that “I just wanted to say goodbye!”  I woke up feeling my loss once again. Continue reading

Safety nets, letting go and the lessons we learn.

The sun had set and he and his friends were eight miles past Little Rock Arkansas on I-40.  They were eager to return home after a couple of days in Texas at SXSW.   Driving at what I can only assume was highway speed, the car’s tire popped.  One could say that the tire popped in the middle of nowhere since Little Rock was behind them, hundreds of miles of farmland were ahead of them and they were 800 miles away from home. Continue reading

Conversations about love, acceptance and my dog.

His blue eyes lit up as he gazed at my dog.   The twinkle in them was the first thing I noticed, followed by his friendly smile as my dog approached his chair.  Memories seemed to flood back to his brain as we spoke about how he once had a dog and how he just loved him.  He gently pet Cap, laughing and commenting on the softness of his fur and the attractiveness of his eyes.  Cap is a pet visitation therapy dog.  He visits elder-care homes, schools and other organizations that can benefit from the amazing bond between humans and animals.  Quite frequently he visits those affected by some form of dementia. Continue reading

I love all of the things that truly make you…well…you.

My dear friend, I want you to know that I only see “you.”  I’ve known you for years.   I knew you when you were fifty pounds lighter, ten pounds heavier, five pounds near your goal, and I’ve seen you in sun dresses, the skinny jeans, and the sweatpants.  You were married, you were divorced, you were single and you were pregnant. During all of those different times in our lives, all I’ve ever truly seen was “you.”   We are friends because of your smile, your positive attitude, the perspective you give me on life, your loyalty, your intellect, your dedication to your friends and family, your weird laugh and all of the truly important things that make you….you.   We are friends because we have laughed until we have cried, we have reassured each other, we have been honest with each other, we have said the easy things and the hard things to each other and at the core, we have truly “seen” each other.

I only see “you.”  The real you. Continue reading

Are you an organ donor?

Currently I am not registered as an organ donor.  For the first time in my life, I am seriously giving it some thought. In the last six months there have been two experiences that have touched me to the very depths of my soul.  The first experience was the loss of a teen in one of our local high schools.  His family’s willingness to donate his organs saved eight lives.  My second experience is happening right now with a dear friend who is waiting for a transplant.

How many people are waiting? Continue reading

Leave Barron Trump Alone!

Image Source: NBC news

Dear celebrities, the media and all citizens:

Stop picking on Barron Trump.  Just stop it.  He’s ten years old.  The next four years of his life will set some serious groundwork for the man he will become.  You cannot sit on your high and mighty pedestal pontificating about Donald Trump’s character and then turn around and pick on a ten year old.  That makes you a hypocrite.

Barron Trump is the same age as my son Max.  If Max had to sit through a long day of pomp and circumstance, he would not only be whining but would probably fall asleep in his chair.  Barron was extremely composed for a ten year old.  I loved watching him play peek-a-boo while his father signed his first order of business. Continue reading

Own Your Truth. Live Your Truth.

My grandmother and their great-grandmother!

In December I lost my strong, slightly eccentric, very colorful and loving grandmother.  I will love her and miss her forever and my world has become just a little bit too quiet with her gone.  Although she lived until she was 93, losing her was not so easy.  Is it ever?  When you lose someone you love?  Is it ever easy?  She lived a long life, but my life was just a little bit better with her on this earth.

If I would have to describe the one lesson my grandmother taught me that stands out the most, it was to simply be yourself.  Don’t apologize for who you are, what you have, what you believe and what you want out of your life.  Own your truth.  She did this every single day and drove many of us crazy in the process.

Own your truth.  Live your truth. Continue reading