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A midlife review of Fabletics and MyFitness Pal.

7339camel_toe

That’s a camel toe. What were you thinking?

After ankle surgery and during the last year of sedentary bliss, I put on quite a bit of weight.  The party is over.   It is now time to face the truth and get back into shape.  So, just like I used to purchase many exercise videos when I was in my twenties and sat on the couch to watch them, I joined Fabletics and logged back onto MyFitnessPal.

First a story about Fabletics.  The spokesperson for Fabletics is the beautiful, thin, blonde daughter of Goldie Hawn, none other than Kate Hudson.  Hi Kate!  I’m sure you’ll never read this so here I go!  Fabletics offers you a VIP membership and charges you around $49.95 a month so  you can purchase really great gym clothes at a discount!  The only problem is that if you forget to use your money, you still get charged and you accumulate membership credits.  This is what happened to me recently.  Currently I have about $149 in unspent credits.

Cute shirt right? The entire back is black mesh! Cute for Zombie Barbie but not for me!

Cute shirt right? The entire back is black mesh! Cute for Zombie Barbie but not for me!

I have never worn an item that I have purchased from Fabletics.  I am not their target audience and I am not much of a California VIP girl.    I’m just that wannabe.   In fact, the first shirt that I purchased I gave to one of my best friends for her daughter to wear on Halloween.  She went as Zombie Barbie.  Bad decision on my part, to become a member of a bubbly thin person’s club and so I went online to rectify the situation.  Unfortunately there is no online option to cancel and therefore I had to come out of my hermit shell and actually place a phone call.  The call went something like this.  Que sickening bubbly cheerful voice.

“Hello and thank you for calling Fabletics!  My name is Anna and I’ll be your Fabletics consultant!  I understand complete sentences.  So talk to me like a person!  What can I do for you today!”

Oh great.  A computer.  OK I can roll with this I thought.  I can punch in some numbers and cancel my account.  No problem!  Well that’s not how it went.  After unsuccessfully trying to look up two of my phone numbers, Anna wanted my name spelled out.  Success, she had my account!  Anna then asked me what I wanted.  As soon as I told her I wanted to cancel my account, Anna transferred my call to a human being.

Great.

Oh and I thought Anna was bubbly!  The next voice that greeted me made Anna sound like Morticia!  After telling the human Anna that I wanted to cancel my account she has this amazing reply for me.  “That makes me sad.”  SAD?  SAD?  I had a thousand replies in my head but this poor little girl didn’t deserve any of them so I held my tongue.  She next informed me that I had unspent credits and I should use them first before canceling.  I acknowledged the credits and then I realized she wasn’t going to cancel my account!  WAIT WAIT WAIT!  “You are going to cancel my account aren’t you?”  My sweet little consultant came back and said that I should really use my credits to get the discount and cancel at a later date.  I repeated that I would like to CANCEL my account.  She replied “Well that really does make me sad, may I ask why you want to cancel?

This was my response:  “I don’t like any of your clothes.  Every single thing you sell is tight, your shirts are short in length and I’m not into showing my camel toe.  Fabletics is just not for me!

Silence.

Account canceled.

So in summary, Fabletics has some wonderful leggings and short shirts.  They also have shirts with open backs that show your back fat.  Their VIP program is for suckers.  There’s one born every day including me.  If you don’t live in California and don’t have the body you had back in high school then it’s probably not for you.  That’s my review on Fabletics.

Now for MyFitnessPal.  I love this little program/app/calorie counter!  However the trick is not to lie to yourself.  If you lie to yourself the app renames itself “MyFatnessPal.”  Hmmm…I ate a piece of chocolate cake…chocolate cake…chocolate cake and then I scroll down to all of the calorie choices and choose the one that says I had one bite instead of twenty and therefore I only consumed 50 calories.

I got news for you.  You do not lose weight this way.  It’s like watching Jane Fonda on an old exercise video while eating chocolate chip cookies with your mom.  True story.  We did that and laughed maniacally in the process.  It also happens to be one of my fondest memories.  So my review of MyFitnessPal?  If used correctly you will lose weight.  The application demands accountability and discipline and I absolutely need that in my life right now.  So far I’ve lost about four pounds by being honest and logging everything I eat.  Since all of my weight is in my face I’m already looking lean and mean.

I’ve also already eaten all of my calories for the day.  Later I may just start to get Hangry.  That’s when you are angry because you are hungry.  I love that word.  Webster needs to add it.  Are you using MyFitnessPal?  Look for me and friend me!    My username is Raineyva and just mention the blog.  We can do this!  In big t-shirts and sweats!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t just exist….choose to live!

to-live-oscar-wilde-quoteThis post is about choosing to live instead of just existing.  A focus on my body, mind and soul are the three areas that I will cover in the next three posts.  Today’s post covers this from an introductory perspective and from a body perspective.   Quite literally some food for thought!

I’m becoming a little more difficult as I age.  I want more out of life.  There is a difference between existing and living.  There is a difference between making life happen and allowing life to happen to you.   I’m no longer content with the routine of my days.  I feel the clock ticking and I want to learn more, do more, move more and experience more.  It all started with my surgery. Continue reading

Positive thinking and yoga, the most important lesson of my day.

shutterstock_130808666Today I went to my first yoga class at Kaleidoscope Yoga and Wellness.  My experience there fills me with hope.  Yoga has always intimidated me.  To start with, I’m from New York, and we are not the most calm and chill bunch in the good old United States of America.  This usually spills over in the form of bluntness, sarcastic humor and sometimes a bit of cynicism. New Yorkers can also be a bit competitive.  When you grow up with one hundred people sharing the same square foot of space, you tend to adopt some pretty interesting personality traits.  Being centered is not a normal state for me.   I’ve also been a bit sedentary in the last six months and so I’m very thankful that I’m an honest person.   When our instructor asked if I was “new” to yoga I told the truth.  Thank goodness I did. Continue reading

Dance like no one’s watching

A preview of things to come!

A preview of things to come!

Dance like no one’s watching is a fantastic idea unless your ten-year old child is recording your every dance move with your iPhone.  Will Pharell’s new song “Happy” was playing in our kitchen and there I was, swinging my seven-year old around the room, letting the joy bubble out in the form of laughter and my mad dance moves.

Then I replayed the video…..and the smile disappeared from my face.

UGH, UGH, UGH!  I hate that I am even writing this, I resent that this is even true, but instead of seeing the joy and laughter and the moment, I saw FAT.  What the heck happened?  I thought I was a twenty year old sex-pot who just happened to have a couple of kids, who just happened to be wearing sweatpants, but NOOOOOO! THERE WAS A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN DANCING AROUND MY KITCHEN!

When did this happen?  Who let her into my house?

So we danced again.  And this time I sucked in my stomach and I tried a different move or two.  I replayed the video again.  That same woman was still there!  My children got a real kick out of my frustration and I believe we moved right from the dance to chocolate chip cookies.  Hmm….perhaps there’s a link to this mystery!

Now I’m laughing at myself so it’s all good I guess.

Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful.  My friends think I’m joking but one day I will seriously put on the purple pants and I will don a purple hat.   I will embrace my right to be even tackier than I am today and I won’t care one iota about my dance moves.  It’s slowly happening, I must warn you!   My goal is to be the happiest and healthiest purple-wearing, magenta lipstick glowing, white-haired diva you have ever seen.

That day is not today.

Although the reality is that I am closer to 50 than 40 and it is starting to show, I am finding it difficult to beat myself up over it.  I suppose that is healthy.  I would hate to be one of those women who wake up and put on all of their makeup before her husband can see her in the morning.   Actually, the truth is I just don’t have the energy.

Midlife is tough because you make friends with other moms “your age.”  Your age becomes anywhere between 30 and 50 years of age.  You may laugh maniacally when you realize you are five or ten years older than your thin friends and you realize they have no clue what is in store for them.  You may giggle like a crazy woman in the grocery store when you see new mommas with two young children and you feel insanely happy that your kids can wipe themselves.  Perhaps you are that crazy woman who then laughs out loud?

It’s all good.  You may dance around the kitchen and watch your video recording afterwards and decide to go to yoga the next day.  Perhaps you wanted to puke during that yoga class and are still recuperating three days after the fact?  Well, here’s my advice to you…..

Dance like no one’s watching and make sure your iPhone is locked.

 

Away we go!

IMG_7927My mind is constantly going, sometimes in directions that make me question my own sanity. This may explain why I absolutely loved the show Ally McBeal. Do you remember that show? If you do, please que Barry White and get your waddles out! If you have no clue what I am referring to please search youtube right now! My life is full of Ally McBeal moments and I secretly believe that your life is too. Sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it all. Take my newest quest for fitness, my new Fitbit Force tracker aka the fancy pedometer! Last night I put that darn thing on my wrist and went to sleep. Upon awakening I pressed the button and voila, I had 385 steps! No….it’s not like when you watch your dog sleep and he twitches and runs in his dreams, the steps were gained in a much more interesting mid life ish that’s not a word but who cares kind of way. The steps came from stumbling several times to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night (que unisex bathroom from Ally McBeal and start dancing). Up and down, up and down, back and forth those squats brought me to 385 steps. I was well on my way to fitness! Take that midlife spread!

So my new Fitbit Tracker was given to me by my husband for Christmas.  He’s a gadget freak and more on him later.  This is my new fancy pedometer designed to tell me I’m not moving enough and that perhaps a trip to the gym is in order.  I’m thinking about telling my calorie counter app that I’m actually swimming for hours and since my tracker is not waterproof it’s not recording the calories and hence I can eat that chocolate truffle.  I’m not sure that is how it’s supposed to work though.

Someone please tell me when it’s time to put on purple pants and a big wide hat and stop caring.