Mommy wars suck, put down your weapons.

The working mom vs. the stay-at-home mom war and the use of words as weapons are still going strong. There’s a new war brewing in motherhood, and it’s full of the same unfair judgements and name calling. This new Mommy War uses words like “helicopter” and “free-range” parenting. Personally, I think these labels are useless because each mother uses both parenting styles.  Different scenarios and your child’s personality will usually determine how you will decide to parent at any given time.   Motherhood is hard, we are all trying to do our very best and we are all imperfect. When our children become adults they will then critique us and become the new experts. These adult children of ours will tell us that they will do it so much better. Just smile and nod ladies, just smile and nod.

I have been called a helicopter mom. Many sensitive women are more “hands on.”  I will admit that the day I had my first child, a piece of my heart was taken and I could no longer balance. Then came child number two and three and I was done for. I have stumbled and crawled through motherhood, making many mistakes along the way, but name calling doesn’t really help me. Constructive criticism and alternate suggestions on ways to do things does.  Sometimes I will listen to you and sometimes I won’t.

There was an article recently about a group of moms who created a free-range parenting group in Chicago. In this group they encourage their kids to go out alone and play and take active steps towards encouraging independence.  They are not convinced that there are too many dangers in society to prevent letting their children roam.   In my opinion, technology has given us too much information and our kids have suffered because we have an increasing fear for their safety.   I admire these women and, more importantly, I learn from their example. Would I let my child walk a dog in the city? Probably not, but not because I’m a helicopter mom. My first two children couldn’t even play a soccer game without chasing a grasshopper. They would be hard pressed to walk a dog in a city. My third child could easily handle it. Each child has a different personality and I adjust accordingly.

The same goes for the financial situation of all kinds of moms.  On my blog I’ve received comments stating that I’m an over privileged stay-at-home mom.  At first I let those comments bother me, especially because my first child and I struggled quite a bit after my divorce.  I worked hard, very hard, to get to where I am today.  “You don’t know me!” I want to scream.  You don’t know me, and I don’t know you.  But regardless of our parenting styles, my mother taught me not to attack you and judge you based on your lifestyle, financial situation or culture.   Sometimes that’s more important that ensuring that your child makes his bed every single day.

The only person you can control is yourself. It doesn’t help to attack another mother or perpetuate the labels the media wants to place on us. We are mothers, we are strong, and are fighting to raise adults of the future. It’s time to be stronger in our hearts and with each other. Put down your weapons.  Instead, let’s sit down and share our struggles and learn from each other.  I’ll make the coffee.

7 thoughts on “Mommy wars suck, put down your weapons.

  1. Renée Scholl Hoyt via Facebook

    I really like this one, Lorraine! I think it’s really brave that you don’t let the negative feedback bother you enough to stop your creative flow! Go Moms!

  2. Dottie

    The job of a mother is to love, to protect and to nurture her children. To give them the best upbringing possible, teach them right from wrong and douse them with as much love as possible. To talk with them and try to keep the lines of communication open so that they will not only tell you the good stuff but the bad. To keep them safe by knowing where they are, what they are doing, and who they are doing it with is just, in my opinion, very good parenting and helps them arrive at adulthood in one piece and prepared. You can call it whatever you want….but in the end you will have helped form a very happy, successful, well-balanced adult…Trust me….I have done it three times.

  3. Katrina

    Sounds like I need to come out that way and kick someones @ss, you are an AMAZING mother, and I have seen the struggles over the years, not every house is the same, nor the children or parents, it is a learning experience for all of us, our children teach us and we teach them, one step at a time. I have seen you open your heart to others when you yourself were in pain, and all for the love of your children! Your children shine with all that you have given them and taught them, that shows great parenting………………Your words were perfect, right on key, I hope that others will take them to heart, and put judgement away. I always tell my sons, take that finger that you are pointing at someone and turn it inward, what do you see and what should you change, more adults should do the same!!!!

  4. Colleen Elizabeth-Anne

    This was great Lorraine. I’ve encountered a lot of judgment in the whole nursing vs bottle feeding situation. The sad thing was my coworkers who had babies right before Kate warned me about it! I did both because of the circumstances I dealt with. I don’t understand why women get so judgmental. I read this wonderful article called I Miss My Village, and it’s about how in villages and tribes the women all work together to raise children. It was beautiful.

  5. Minu

    Thank you ! As I read this, I am almost in tears. I was judged both ways, for working and for taking a break from work when I had little ones at home. The remarks, insensitive suggestions and even the silent “what are you thinking” attitude just got to me and I started to really second guess my decisions.

    Such a beautiful post about being non-judgmental, tolerant and understanding each other’s strengths, limitations and struggles.

    Thanks for great post.

    1. Rainey Post author

      You are so welcome! Being judged is so tiring and all it does is makes us doubt ourselves. I admit, I could definitely improve in many areas, but the friends who give me ideas or positively give me feedback are a true blessing. Have a wonderful day!


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