Addiction and Loved Ones

Being the parent, spouse, or friend of an addicted loved one is painful. Thankfully many organizations can help throughout your local community and I’ve linked to some here. If you are hurting because someone you love is struggling with addiction, I urge you to get help for yourself first. Only then can you make a positive impact.

Highlighting Addiction Support Groups

There is an organization that is near and dear to my own heart and that is PAL. PAL is a non-profit organization that provides hope, through education and support, to parents of addicted loved ones. Attending any support group is not easy because it requires deep insight into your own behavior. Finding a support group is taking care of your mental health and helps your own journey. Other well-known organizations are Al-Anon and Nar–Anon.

PAL Testimonial

Here’s a first-hand account taken from PAL’s website.

“Twelve years of heavy drug use had left me a shell of a person. In the early years, my parents enabled me. They indirectly supported my addiction by providing me with financial means and a place to stay. They fruitlessly tried to plead with me, rescue me, and place me in situations where they thought I’d get help. I can look back and see that the beginning of the end was when they got involved with PAL. When they not only learned how to help me – but actively implemented those strategies into our relationship, and most importantly, when they stuck with it, even when they didn’t want to. 

PAL is one of the greatest blessings in my life.”

– Sean, in long-term recovery

Enabling Behavior

Actions or behaviors that unintentionally support and perpetuate a person’s destructive habits, especially in the context of addiction are enabling behaviors. When dealing with a loved one who is struggling with addiction, it can be challenging to strike a balance between support and enabling. Here are some examples of enabling behavior in the context of parenting:

1. Financial Support without Accountability:
   • Example: Providing money to the addicted individual without any conditions or oversight on how the funds are used.
   • Consequence: This can contribute to the continuation of the addictive behavior, as the person may use the money to fuel their addiction.
2. Denial and Minimization:
   • Example: Ignoring or downplaying the severity of the addiction, making excuses for the person’s behavior, or pretending that the problem doesn’t exist.
   • Consequence: Denial can prevent the individual from facing the consequences of their actions and seeking help.
3. Rescuing from Consequences:
   • Example: Shielding the addicted person from the negative consequences of their actions, such as bailing them out of legal trouble or covering up for their mistakes.
   • Consequence: By rescuing them, you may inadvertently hinder their motivation to change, as they are not facing the full impact of their choices.
4. Avoiding Confrontation:
   • Example: Choosing to avoid difficult conversations or confrontations about the addiction to maintain a sense of harmony in the family.
   • Consequence: Avoidance can perpetuate the cycle of addiction by allowing the individual to continue their behavior without being held accountable.
5. Making Excuses for the Addict:
   • Example: Making excuses to others for the person’s behavior or covering up for them to protect their reputation.
   • Consequence: This can contribute to the person’s denial and hinder their realization of the need for change.
6. Overprotective Behavior:
   • Example: Overprotecting the individual by taking over their responsibilities, such as managing their daily tasks, in an attempt to shield them from stress.
   • Consequence: Overprotection can impede the person’s ability to develop resilience and coping mechanisms, hindering their personal growth and recovery.

It’s important for parents and loved ones to be aware of these enabling behaviors and seek guidance from professionals, such as therapists or support groups, to establish healthy boundaries and encourage the individual to seek help for their addiction.

Exposure to Addiction

I first saw serious addiction in college, when on spring break a student chugged a pitcher of beer and then proceeded to chug another one right after the first. He spent the afternoon getting sick and relishing the attention that he received from the stupidity around him. That same student had to drop out of school to get help. Today, parents are terrified because the stakes are even higher. One pill laced with fentanyl can kill your child. There is no such thing as a gray area when it comes to addiction.

When my children became young adults, I started to get emails about overdoses in our local high schools. Parents are warned about the dangers of opiods. Marijuana is now commonly smoked through vapes which triples the potency causing addiction and dependency not to mention a rising incidence of cancer in young adults. And yet, parents themselves are setting examples that are less than ideal. How do we break out of this cycle?

Types of Addiction

We tend to think of substance abuse when we hear about addiction. The truth is there are many other addictions. Addictions including food, porn, sex, and gambling are just a few. In every case, there is the person who struggles with the addiction and those who love them. The people who love them may also have a problem, unable to see that their behavior has contributed to the problem. They think because they are functional and they are not making an impact on those around them. The opposite is true. You can say whatever you want to a kid, do as I say…not what I do simply does not work.

Why Do You Need Help?

If you love someone who is struggling with addiction and want to help them, then you need help first. It is a complicated journey with many ups and downs. Understanding how you can protect your own mental health while being a positive force for your loved one requires knowledge. You make mistake after mistake until, through a therapist or support group, you get it right. What does that look like? It looks like peace in your own heart or a strong impact on the person who is struggling with addiction. Do not underestimate the power of love, but not enabling love….no….this journey requires positive but tough love.

If you are a parent or friend of an addicted loved one, I leave you with this. Everyone has their own journey in life and sometimes we can’t save everyone. You can only control your own actions.

And if you are the person struggling with addiction then seek help from someone you trust. Sometimes you have to break down the foundation to build again. Decide who you want to be. Surround yourself with the right people, those who believe in you and truly want you to succeed. Addiction is also about fear, fear of facing yourself and facing life. Addiction is a liar. In order to recover, you need to see your addiction as an obstacle to your true potential. You need to walk through it and leave it behind.

God speed.