Toxic Parenting Styles
Two terms, the “helicopter” parent and the “bulldozer” parent are enough to make teachers cringe. School can be very competitive and the college admissions process for older students is stressful. This commonly leads to toxic parenting styles, driven by well-meaning parents. They inherently understand that kids should be allowed to simply be kids, but they also know the heavy expectations placed upon them. A parent can become too vested in their child’s schooling, sports, and overall life. In our school district, parents can go online to see the details of their child’s grades, down to the last missing homework assignment.
My Own Helicopter Parenting Story
My son put a stop to my own dysfunction this year. He is intuitive, intelligent, imaginative, and insightful. Because he’s my last child, I promised myself that I would be on TOP OF THINGS, wouldn’t slack on parenting, and would give him the guidance and support that I gave my other two children. Lucky him! Cue in the blades of the circling helicopter!
Except he didn’t want my toxic parenting style. He’s very independent and is an introvert at heart. As someone who is comfortable and confident in who he is as a person, all he usually wants to be is left alone. In other words, he’s like his mother.
I began to realize that he would avoid me, and when I did see him, the first words out of my mouth were “Did you do your assignment, do you have any homework, did you prepare your clothes for crew?” Things became tense in the house, and I noticed that he really didn’t want to be anywhere near me. Unfortunately for him, that made me double down.
My Son Draws a Line
One day he went to see his guidance counselor. It was time to select classes for next year, and I excitedly asked him what his counselor said. This is why you should never ASSUME. He looked at me and said, “Umm, Mom, I went to the guidance counselor to complain about you.” The silence was deafening. “Mom?” “Mom?” I couldn’t speak as words failed me. At first, I felt anger although I kept my mouth shut. Give me a break (I thought to myself), if it weren’t for me, he’d be missing every assignment he’s supposed to complete! He’s being dramatic! What the HELL? I’m a great mother! As we pulled into our garage, I paused and told him I had to think about the situation because this surprised me. I said I never wanted him to feel like he had to talk to someone about pressure at home.
It was a real wake-up call. I did some soul searching and after two days I asked him to sit down with me. I had to change the dynamic in the house to a positive and empowering level. I’ve always prided myself as being an involved parent, but I could no longer ignore that perhaps I was causing a toxic situation in our home.
Letting Go of Helicopter Parenting
I was definitely engaged in toxic parenting styles and it was all based on fear. It was and IS still difficult to adjust. In this situation, I told him that I had always believed in him, but my behavior reflected otherwise. I told him that I believed that he wanted to do well in school and in life and I would no longer look at the school’s online portal. What recommended that he did his own mandatory weekly review. and decide his path forward. The goal was to teach him accountability and support his desired independence.
He just got his grades for the third quarter. They were the highest grades of the year. My son and I laugh more and spend time together, and we recently went on a college tour. He shares funny stories about his video games, his D&D groups, and his life. Our mother/son relationship has improved immensely. I have given him credit for this over the last few months, thanking him for being strong enough to flag the dysfunction and for teaching me that parenting is not one size fits all, nor is it trying to continue to direct the life of a very capable individual.
Pride
I am proud of this young man. In two years, he will head off to college and he will be ready, because he wants it, not because I do. I guess, in the end, it came down to realizing that I needed to shift into a supporting role, not an overbearing one. If I truly want him to succeed as he takes the next steps in his own life, then I need to let him take the lead. I’m trying to work on mentoring more and I’ve written about that approach here. One thing is for sure….parenting is not for the faint of heart!
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