The summer that my youngest child spent alone in Sweden without his siblings revealed harsh truths. Lazy days by the lake weren’t the same without the wildness of his brothers by his side. As a result, this year we’ve decided to stay home closer to his friends. The school year changed my relationship with him. Although he felt less lonely due to his hectic schedule, he and I were not prepared for the focused spotlight on him from a parenting perspective. My son’s personality traits are the exact opposite of what experts describe in the youngest child syndrome. Generalizations were not relevant to parenting him through this time.
Youngest Child Syndrome
Although many believe that birth order contributes to personality traits, the youngest child syndrome is not an accurate representation of my youngest son. He’s not a risk taker and would prefer to fly under the radar rather than seek attention. He’s quiet and not really an attention seeker. Manipulation is a common trait of youngest child syndrome and honestly, all three of them are manipulative so I completely disregard that in parenting. They’ve been trying to get their way since they started talking!
Transition
We went through a transition period that revealed how little attention he received over the years. Initially, too much of the spotlight was on him and his academics, causing him to feel anxious. However, it didn’t take long for us to fall into a normal rhythm and for me to realize that maybe, just maybe, he had been getting the short end of the stick for way too long. Although people who are supposedly the youngest children engage in attention-seeking behavior, my son would happily be left alone all day.
Discovering Personalities
My sons are all young men. As they have grown, I too have adapted and grown. The process of letting go and encouraging them to define their own path has been key. Being at home with only my youngest child gave me a unique opportunity. I was now able to recognize the totality of his personality without distractions or assumptions. I love seeing him in a new light and supporting the young man he is becoming. Dismissing any preconceived notions I had while his brothers were growing up next to him has allowed us to concentrate on a healthier relationship.
Overcoming Family Stereotypes
One trap I fell into, and I don’t believe I’m alone in this, is adhering to family stereotypes. My eldest is the sensitive one, my middle child is the rambunctious one and my youngest is the carefree one. Seeing your children outside of any preconceived roles or stereotypes is important. I now take the time to recognize his uniqueness and help him cultivate and define his own sense of self. Nothing is more painful than when your child says “I’m not my brother.” You quickly realize that you’ve been comparing or drawing on past experiences and unintentionally hurting that child in the process. Making assumptions does not give the youngest child the focus and value they deserve. As a matter of fact, my youngest child is not carefree; he’s more introspective and has a serious approach to life.
Addressing the Youngest Child Syndrome
I follow a popular Instagram creator who reinforces the stereotypical roles of first, middle, and last children. The videos are funny, but as this article states, parents tend to unfortunately reinforce those roles. Does birth order shape personality, or do we cause it to happen? I’ve learned that my youngest thought he needed to prove himself. He has unique interests and now I can better recognize and encourage him to follow those interests. He has carved out a path in high school that is truly special and belongs only to him. He didn’t do the same sports, the same clubs or even take the same classes as his brothers. Instead, he’s on his own journey and stands a little taller.
Solidifying Our Bond
The end result of being alone with my youngest was surprising. I quickly realized that I had important work to do and that these years could really help him blossom. His older brothers have taken A LOT of my time and attention for various reasons. I can honestly say that we are building a stronger relationship with them away. I am so very grateful for these moments.
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