Divorce is one of the most difficult journeys one can go on. It is survival of the fittest and can be separated into two parts; the legal and the emotional. The legal is stressful, and the emotional turmoil is hell, it grinds us into little pieces and tears families apart.
Fault
We were both at fault but it took me years to face my truths. This may confuse you, especially if you’re going through your own personal hell. I get it. However, there are often red flags before marriage. My ex-husband and I married for the wrong reasons. We weren’t true to our inner selves and lied to each other, both paying the price as a result. People who love me may disagree with this simplified statement and people who love him may do so as well. Regardless of those sentiments, it is a deeper truth. Although certain events catapulted us to a separation and a divorce, our permanent undoing was more complicated.
Seeing Only The Good and Ignoring The Bad
When I met my ex-husband I thought he was fascinating. He was from Afghanistan and had strong family values. The stories that he told about his experiences in his country before seeking life in the United States told me a lot about his strength, his dedication to family, and his ambition. On a surface level, it seemed that those values we shared were enough. However, even before our nuptials, other differences surfaced, like a dragon that has slept and was suddenly awakened.
Lies We Tell Ourselves
This is the truth at the very core, we lied to ourselves and each other. I’m not talking about blatant lies like hiding money, infidelity, or little white lies about our day. I’m talking about BIG secret mammoth lies. I do not want to put words in his mouth but I can reveal some of the lies I told myself and to him. I do believe he told similar secret lies, but he would probably have his own view and his own list. That is for his heart to sort out and his heart alone.
“Religion doesn’t matter. You will come first before my child. I am mature enough to marry and can handle it all. I’ll be your wife, a mother and a goddess while cooking native dishes from your country. We will have friends and a social life. I am confident and secure. So are you. Money doesn’t matter. “
I’ve always said that the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. Whether you have been married for a year or twenty, mammoth secret lies will eventually tear you apart. I believe that people should not get married until they feel secure in their own identity and love and accept themselves. Being secure in your own identity and loving yourself enough to be honest, negates the need for mammoth lies.
Forgiveness After Divorce
Over the years I have learned to forgive myself and to forgive him and he has done the same. There have been emotional ups and downs, disagreements, and strong differences of opinion but that is because we started telling the truth. The years have continued to confirm how different we are and that our divorce was inevitable. We had one son together and he has been our light and our joy. My son is a carbon copy of his father, especially when he makes certain faces and uses certain mannerisms. Even when he laughs I hear his father’s inflections and tones. I thank God that the understanding and forgiveness in my heart enable me to smile when I see my ex in my son’s eyes.
Healing
After my divorce, I stayed away from dating for about six years. I did this not because I didn’t trust “men,” I did this because I didn’t trust myself to make good decisions. I had to understand who I was and where I wanted to go and it wasn’t easy. Six years later I met a man that I absolutely loved to be around and we became friends. We were inseparable and our friends would make sly remarks on how we were meant for each other. I was the first to fall for him and was frustrated at his inability to see my interest. I found the courage to choose him. My entire dating life I let men choose me, I just said “yes” to a dinner or a movie, but I didn’t really choose them. The only man I really “chose,” before being chosen is now my husband.
Second Time Around
I went into this marriage humble, honest, and with an open heart. I trust him with the innermost rooms of my heart and he alone has the key. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my partner. If I had not married my first husband, I would not have had the strength and wisdom to find true love. I would not have appreciated all that love has to offer.
Divorce, mammoth lies, and forgiveness made my dreams come true. Ironic, isn’t it? It led me to a real understanding of myself, gave me my beautiful son, and led me to my future husband and children. I have no regrets.
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