The truth about healthy relationships is that they require common threads, respect and boundaries. I’m on revision #32 #39 with this particular post. I know what kind of message I want to convey, but am having trouble not sounding like a pompous ass or a know-it-all. This post is about marriage, about friendships and about evaluating the core common threads that connect us to people in our lives. I hope that you will still get something out of my ramblings.
The Importance of Common Threads
There are common threads that connect us. The key is simply how strong those fibers are in your thread. Why do you share your time with that person in the first place? My husband and I share the same value system, we are nerds, love to have intellectual discussions and have a very weird sense of humor. I am thankful for the years we have shared together including all of the ups and all of the downs. It’s real and imperfect but at the core we both care about what the other person thinks and feels. Let me repeat that because it’s important. We both care about what the other person thinks and feels. This is our true common thread. Common threads also connect me friends.
Respect and Boundaries
Taking another person’s feelings into account and respecting their boundaries is important in any relationship. This was tested during the pandemic. We all have different political, religious and cultural beliefs. Everyone has both mental and physical boundaries. Understanding this about your partner and also respecting those boundaries without judgement is key. For more information about what to look for in a healthy relationship, please click here. You’ll find that trust and communication are definitely at the top of the list!
Cinderella Syndrome and Marriage
When people first get married they may suffer from Cinderella syndrome. This is the belief that just because they get married, their marriage will “work,” because that’s what is supposed to happen. This was my belief during my first marriage. We failed to examine whether we were a good match on many different social, philosophical and emotional levels. When things went south, that common thread shredded so fast that there was only one way to survive and that was to let go and find our separate truths. Twenty-two years later we are on pretty good terms. I was a bit more realistic going into my second marriage.
Midlife Changes, Stress and Endings
During midlife, more people struggle with their relationships. Friendships that were formed when the kids were little may fade away. Spouses who used to enjoy each other’s company are side tracked with the daily activities of life and may drift apart. The foundational strength of your relationships is even more critical in midlife. All relationships undergo strain during this time simply because it is a time of growth and change. People tend to whether change when their core values are aligned.
Betrayal and Lack of Character
Then there’s the other side of the coin.
Relationships that suffer from betrayal or abuse are toxic and time in that situation and the fatigue may tear those relationships apart. I’ve seen many parents stay together for the sake of their children. In principle this may sound logical but it makes me want to scream. Your children are more aware than you think. They are learning about relationships and will internalize the messages and relationships they witness. Abusive relationship? Love and abuse go together – that’s their lesson. Infidelity? It’s perfectly normal to make the other partner feel disposable or not good enough – that’s their lesson. The cycle continues. Sometimes, breaking up teaches your child that it’s not only healthy to demand more, but they too need to understand that they are also worth more. No child should be subjected to a dysfunctional and toxic household.
The Easiest Person to Lie to is Yourself
I’ve said this before in past posts but sometimes the easiest person to lie to is yourself. I’ve seen so many people fool themselves into thinking they are sacrificing themselves for the sake of their children when really all they are doing is teaching their dysfunction in the strongest way possible, through their own example. How can we do right by our children if we can’t do right in our own lives? I’m not against the sanctity of marriage, I’m just against only one person participating within their marriage. The same rules goes for friendships. A true friendship has an even give and take. In both marriages and friendship, when one party is extremely selfish it creates discord and does not represent a true partnership.
Examining our Truths
I was single for six years between my first and second marriage. They were some of the happiest and most fulfilling years of my life. This was a time when I truly found myself and learned so much about who I was and who I wanted to be, a time when I learned to value myself and those around me in a healthier way. It is very true that you can be lonelier with someone than without someone. For those who have chosen a different way because it was healthier, I honor and respect your decision and courage. There is joy in respecting and loving yourself. For those of you who are sad and doubtful, confused and scared, I send you love and prayers.
What is your common thread?
What is your basic foundational need within your relationships? The truth is that life is too short. Live your best life and surround yourself with people that share your values and common threads.
I’m going to click publish now. It’s a bit long and convoluted but I’m done. I can’t even read this again for editing purposes!
You deserve love. You deserve respect. Happiness is a journey. Take it! Thank you for once again reading my ramblings. Sending you a virtual hug!
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