How to Save a Life

The song by The Frey and “How to Save a Life” is so beautiful and full of anguish. In an interview with USA Today, the lead singer stated that while he was a mentor at a camp for troubled teenagers, he met a teen musician who was troubled and had many problems. This profoundly inspired him to write this song. For many, the song cuts through the heart of someone struggling with addiction and for others, it is an ode for suicide prevention. This is especially so because so many of our neighborhoods are impacted by more children taking their own lives. Teen suicide is an epidemic in our neighborhoods.  Some children suffer from depression, anxiety and from the intense pressure that parents, the community and society has placed on them.  We need to stop the insanity and save our children.

The Pressure on Our Children

There are many warning signs and risk factors for teen suicide but there are some frustratingly preventable ones.  General pressure is one of them.  The insanity starts when our kids are barely out of diapers.  Is my child a gifted artist, she drew these stick figures and I think they are quite advanced.  Should I put my child in private school so they can realize their true mathematical potential?  My child can’t sit still in his chair at the age of 5, should we medicate him?  Hey, you must start your child in soccer when they are five because if you don’t start young they will not be able to compete in their later years.   

None of this matters. You know what matters?  Childhood.  Making sure that gifted artist doesn’t shove a crayon up her nose.  Empathy.  Learning through play.  Getting dirty, muddy, hiking and laughter.  Playing with clay, finger painting and rolling down the hill and getting leaves in your hair.  Don’t lose that.  Don’t listen to the other moms who strike fear in you.

Your Village Can be Positive and Negative

They say it takes a village.  This can be true in both a positive and negative sense.  On one hand, your village can lift you up but they can also create chaos.  Did your child do well on the assessment?  What was his or her SOL score?  Did they get into the elite sports program?  Did you sign up a year in an advance for basketball?  How is your parenting?  Do you suck?  Is my kid better than yours? Now that I’ve raised three sons, I can tell you to ignore it ALL. They don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to your own child. Trust your intuition and support the child YOU have not what others have or think they should be.

Stop the Comparison Game

If I would have to do it all over again I would ignore the noise from the other parents. I would have reduced the pressure on my small children.   If you are a young mother, I am telling you a secret – other moms don’t know what the hell they are doing.  They talk a big game but the truth is they will look back and question why they cared so much about their child being labeled as gifted or getting a trophy.    These same moms will tell you in twenty years that their kids turned out to be exactly who they were meant to be and that they worried a whole lot over nothing.

Parent the child YOU have, not the one that you think you are supposed to have. Trust your intuition. If your child looks worn down or if you know of another child who is struggling, it’s time to act.

Community

In my hometown we are truly a melting pot of different cultures.  My son knows children who have been studying for their SAT tests since sixth grade.  He knows children that have been in Kumon (extra learning) since they were five.  These children are under so much pressure and they share their struggles and create their own sense of urgency amongst their peers.

This is an epidemic and it is highly contagious.  I can tell my son that he doesn’t have to worry, to just do his best and that everything will be just fine and yet he ignores me.  He looks at me like I don’t understand how hard he has to work in order to be successful.  It’s a perspective I am trying to change every single day.  I do not want him to define his entire life by his academics.  He is so much more.

Social Media and Cyber Bulling

What about social media and cyber bullying?  If your child was drinking every night would you keep alcohol in the house?  Why are we allowing our kids unlimited access to their smart phones?  If your son or daughter is  getting ripped apart on social media sites, it is your responsibility to limit their access to social media.  Don’t feel bad about taking that smart phone away. Understand EXACTLY what apps they are using.    If your child is posting a picture of themselves in a bathing suit and asking their peers how they look, then that’s probably not the helpful for their self esteem and self worth.  It takes one comment, one fat comment, one slut comment, one ugly comment to send a teen spiraling.  Hold your own our children accountable when they attack another.  These risk factors are lessened with parenting. A Netflix series documented just how much cyber bullying can lead to suicide.

What can we do to prevent suicide?  How To Save a Life? We listen, speak and educate ourselves about the risk factors and warning signs.

Risk Factors:  Health – Environmental – Historical.   (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)

Risk factors increase the chance that a person may take their own life. Understanding these factors as a parent, friend or spouse, can also help us understand when intervention is needed. Risk factors include health, environmental and historical factors.

• Health factors – is there a history of mental illness? Mental illness, addiction and other physical conditions can increase the risk.
• Environmental factors – is there access to firearms, is there prolonged stress or bullying? Do they have stressful live events or exposure t a crisis that can put them at risk?
• Historical factors – these factors include family history, past suicide attempts and childhood trauma.

Understanding these factors and reviewing the complete list in the link above for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention can help you assess a person’s risk level.

Warning Signs:  Talk – Behavior – Mood (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)

• Listen to how a person talks.  If they talk about feeling hopeless, about suicide, or about feeling trapped.  These are warning signs.
• Behavior changes or alerts.  Increased substance abuse, withdrawing or isolating themselves, aggression and fatigue.
• Mood.  People who are thinking about suicide may appear depressed, anxious, irritable, angry or may just seem like they’ve lost interest.

Our community is starting to see one or more suicides EVERY single year.  I have read posts by the grieving parents begging others to pay attention, and prevention programs put into place and still….every year, within walking distance of our homes, we lose another child.  I don’t remember this when I was growing up.  What has happened?

How to save a life.  

I don’t know.  Maybe we start paying more attention.  Acknowledge that suicide affects us all, it knocks on all of our doors and no one is immune to its impact or threat.  We hold our own children accountable for the treatment of others.  As a community, we do our very best to love and care for one another. Tragedy in our lives affects those we love and puts them at risk.  Pay attention to your child’s lives and the lives of their friends.

Finally….we talk to our kids.  We check in on them.  Ask them how they are doing and how their friends are doing.  We listen.

How to save a life.