intrusive memories

Intrusive Memories

I have intrusive memories of a time when I was in college. This was over 30 years ago, yet the past came walking through my door in April of last year. I received a message from a former college friend I hadn’t spoken to in years. He wanted me to know that someone had passed away. My relationship with that someone, although in the past, was love and hate. It was laughter and sorrow. Hope and betrayal. That relationship was ghosting before it became a thing, and unspoken words and regret on both sides. There was never closure for either of us, a best friend who lit a match and burned it all down and then handed me the used matchbox. There were casualties in our fire. That was my real sorrow. Others around us were hurt by our metaphorical arson.

Negative Experiences Replayed

Why are certain memories difficult to shake off? Bad or negative experiences often stay with us more than good ones. This is called negativity bias when our brains pay more attention to negative memories. When memories are reactivated, which was the case with me, it may take some time to heal as wounds are reopened. People who experience trauma, whether it is physical or mental may even have PTSD and the involuntary and intrusive memory appears for no apparent reason. Memories that had a strong impact on your life may come up. The challenge is to address the feelings they bring up, whether those feelings involve hurt, betrayal, guilt, or lack of closure. For me, it was all of the above.

Reactions to Reactivated Memories

My first reaction to this phone call was to try to get answers to questions that lingered for years. My second reaction was to potentially bring up memories we shared and to explain the truth behind the mess that was left behind all of those years ago. Shouldn’t I tell my side of the story? I did neither of those two things. The wound was already open, and I didn’t want to let it bleed. I didn’t want this “friend,” access to my true heart. So, I kept the conversation at a surface level, peppered it with some bullshit and we ended the call. The following weeks and months included a swirling of intrusive memories that I just didn’t need or want. I have an extremely sensitive soul and I hold myself to high standards and this time was no different as I relived my mistakes.

You Don’t Owe Anyone Anything

Then, last night, at Yoga Shala, a yoga studio I go to, a teacher said these words; “you don’t owe anyone anything.” During a Sound Bath meditative session, which I will write about in another post, she instructed us to reflect upon something we needed to let go of and start anew. You Don’t Owe Anyone Anything. Leave the past in the past and live in the present. And last night, as I breathed in and breathed out, I let it all go, but if my words are to be truly honest, I SHOVED it out of my mind and heart and allowed myself to live in the reality of my present. It was not a calm process, it was with force and intention. That woman who made those mistakes all of those years ago, she no longer lives in that place.

Types of Intrusive Memories

The are several types of intrusive memories. In this article, the author explains that past events that are distressing and involuntary in nature are usually intrusive memories. They can be memories of mistakes, stressful events, and false memories. With those memories often come other sensory experiences. I want you to know that it’s all normal. It’s human but even so, knowing that you can use the power of your own mind to heal and let go is essential for your mental health. Be kind to yourself.

How to Cope and Let Go of Intrusive Thoughts

The first thing to do is to acknowledge them. This can be done through journaling, meditation, or speaking with a therapist. Acknowledge your memories, your feelings, and your perspectives. You can acknowledge your intrusive thoughts or memories without becoming emotionally attached to them again. Grounding yourself in the present through meditation, exercise or even spending time in nature, can bring you back to present-day truths.

As For Me?

Last night was a turning point. It was powerful and those simple words “You don’t owe anyone anything,” allowed me to release my need for answers, my desire to explain what I have carried, and to just let go. I woke up feeling refreshed and a feeling of love in my heart for myself, and the permission to be who I am today and to not carry the person of yesterday. If you are still carrying something in your heart, I encourage you to find a way to let it go and give yourself permission to embrace all the love, beauty, and grace that is you today.


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4 responses to “Intrusive Memories”

  1. Trace Avatar
    Trace

    Thank you for this article. “You don’t owe anyone anything” is a statement that resonates deeply within me. I went through something similar with a close family member that made me reevaluate what kind of people I want surrounding me. I choose to spend more time with people who are positive and uplifting and less time with people that are negative and drain your energy (even if they happen to be in your family) Have a wonderful day. 🙂

    1. Lorraine Lundqvist Avatar

      It has taken me quite some time to give myself permission and to understand when I deserve better. Thanks for the comment!

  2. Girl Next Door Avatar
    Girl Next Door

    I have a very similar story with losing a friend due to conflict and the memories of our relationship staying with me for years. I am happy with you that you have found a way to let it go. I do, however, take issue with the idea that “You don’t owe anyone anything.” That simply is not true. You don’t owe anything to the children you are raising? You don’t owe anything to the parents who sacrificed and raised you?

    1. Lorraine Lundqvist Avatar

      Hi and thanks for your comment. I actually don’t think I owe my children that I am raising. The word “owe” is a strong one, would you agree? I choose to accept the responsibility for my children and I do everything for them that supports and loves them like they deserve to be loved. As they grow into adults, do I still owe them? Do I enable them so they are hamstrung and can’t take care of themselves after they are adults? I think it’s a great discussion to have. The same goes for my parents. Once upon a time, my parents decided to have children and they love, supported and provided for us. I have two siblings and we were blessed. I love and respect and honor my parents. What if you have a child and you violently abuse them? Does that child owe you? I would say that if you or I told that a child in that situation that they still “owe” their parents, it would be abuse all over again. BUT…in fairness to your comment, which I love and is thought provoking, the “You don’t owe anyone anything,” was more in the context of the meditation. Letting go of your own pain or negativity – and not punishing yourself by doing wrong and being untrue to yourself based on thinking you have to sacrifice because of misguided “owe.” Not sure that makes sense or if you think I’m splitting hairs! Would love to discuss more! Have a great day! I so appreciate you making me really think deep about that!

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Lorraine Lundqvist

A blog highlighting my journey through midlife and beyond. Join me as I enjoy the ups and humorous downs of life over 40.

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