To-Do Items
Your husband surprises you, makes dinner and leaves the pots and pans in the sink. The kids do their laundry but leave the clothes in the machine. It’s your mother-in-law’s birthday and time to buy a card. You start to clean the house and pick a sock off of the floor. But then you notice the table is dusty and you get distracted by five other things on your list. Appointments, birthdays, pets, spouses and the kids’ schedules jumble in your head. Introducing the term for the burden that women carry: mental load!
Mental Loads and Lists
Most women understand that their mental load far exceeds their husband’s. This is why most women are exhausted. If you’re scratching your head and not quite understanding what I’m talking about, please click here.
- Does my child have lunch money
- I need to coordinate his birthday party
- Remind my husband to pick up eggs on the way home
- What should we have for dinner
- Replenish money in the school lunch account
- Schedule doctor appointments
- Prepare for the presentation at work
- Buy a coaches gift for the soccer team
- and on and on and on
Now add on a career to your home life and please never ever call it balance. There is no balance. The mental load that you carry in your head is a massive tornado of chaos in itself.
Balancing Motherhood with Career
I have written about my career and how I resigned from a position that I loved. It wasn’t the deep love or longing for my kids, although that definitely existed, but it was my inability to carry the mental load AND travel almost weekly for business. This mental load and an eight month old baby at home pushed my tolerance level way over the edge. The sheer exhaustion emanating from working moms never ends. A woman who can excel in her job and excel as a mom and wife is worth her weight in gold. If my manager had understood that at the time, and gave me the tools to excel with more flexibility, I would still be working today.
When the Kids Get Older
Now I’m at a point where I’m not only considering taking on more consulting projects but may also consider some longer term work. The kids are growing up, they grunt hello to me when they enter the house after school and are pretty darn self sufficient. As I consider this and update my resume, I have mental load at the forefront of my mind. Is losing my sanity again worth it? Sure the kids are older but I never stop managing this household.
I recently had a discussion with my husband about mental load. I can go back to work and tell the family that “things are going to have to change around here,” but that’s a lie we tell ourselves and others. In my desperate attempt to share that mental load I wind up managing the asking process. It’s not about tasking your family members to help out. It’s so much more.
Just Ask for Help?
From this point on I need help shopping, planning and cooking all meals that the humans eat in the house for the next ten years. Thanks. Asking my husband to “cook dinner tonight,” doesn’t work when he also thinks I’m buying the ingredients. Or how about I need you to schedule all appointments for the family this year and make sure all humans in the house either make their appointments or follow through on the requirements of that appointment. Maybe if I go back to work I can request that On a weekly and daily basis I need you to make sure the entire household is in a manageable state including dusting, vacuuming, cleaning and folding all clothes, making the beds and ….
You see….it’s not about constantly asking for help. It’s the mental load of managing everything that needs to be done. In today’s society, women are carrying the mental load and going into the workforce. We have the mental load of two jobs.
And that is not so simple. We make it look simple but we are so very tired.
We’re Tired
The next time you’re tired, please understand that you need to take a minute to rest and that’s OK. Don’t ever feel guilty about taking time for yourself. Appreciate all that you do. I’ll let you know when I do too. I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all?
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