I have turned fifty-one years young and my resolutions are getting more wise and grumpy at the same time. Here’s my new resolution: Just shut up and listen. It took me this long to realize that people don’t want advice. They want to be heard, they want to be acknowledged and understood. Perhaps all they need is a hug. I’m convinced that in order to really help someone you need to make them feel loved and you just need to listen.
Most people want connection and understanding. Underneath every single one of life’s challenges is a secret truth. “I want to lose weight,” translates to “I would love to be thin but still have lots of social dinners and wine out with friends and eat chocolate chip cookies and well if I have to be honest being thinner is secondary in terms of my true desires so do you understand me?” Yes sister I understand you and I am with you. When I look at life’s priorities I have chosen my social life, love and momentary joy over and over and over again. I’m not one to deny life’s simple pleasures.
“I’m having trouble with my kid,” translates into “OMG this kid is not a cute little baby anymore and I’m EFFIN tired of this parenting crap and I already went through this with myself so why didn’t anyone tell me how hard this is?” Yes girlfriend, I am so with you! We signed up to this and no one told us how permanent this would be. We should have gotten a puppy. Good luck because you’ll need it. No I don’t have your personal answers. This is survival of the fittest. I have some ideas if you want them but just know, I am here for you to listen.
“I’m going to run a marathon,” may translate into “I love those Athleta catalogues and I think it’s really cool when people run marathons and I downloaded this couch potato app and hey do you want to have coffee?” The truth is that we have already prioritized our lives and are leading the lives we have decided to live. I would love to run a marathon but I do not want to run one. It’s a great idea in theory but not one I would every bother doing. We have priorities and truths that we are just really bad at acknowledging. You may run marathons. I on the other hand do not. In fact, on snow days I make cookies and the kids love it. So do I. I eat them also. It makes me happy not thin. Would I be happier if I were twenty pounds lighter and cookie free. No! No I would not! That’s my truth. You know who is happy now? ME. I’m happy.
On weekdays I can go to yoga, spin class or just use one of the machines at the gym. Sometimes I go. Other times I’m schlepping a kid to school instead or having a cup of coffee because I’M FREAKING ALONE IN THE HOUSE FOR ONCE. Those things are important to me. That is my zen. Making a resolution to go to the gym every day would not work for me because I won’t give up those other things that are personally more important.
Actually let’s talk a second about goals because I had a super interesting conversation with my son about life and goals. Dream big they say! You can accomplish anything! Until you don’t. Why? We don’t often think about goals outside of careers. For instance, I had other goals, ones that I didn’t acknowledge to myself. I wanted to be truly loved and have a family. That goal was numero uno. Everything else took a back seat. Yes there are plenty of woman who have executive careers. They live their truths. I live mine. We don’t share truths. You do you sister and I’ll do me. Goals are great but write them all down and be honest with yourself. You may be accomplishing exactly what your inner psyche wants you to accomplish. You may just be fine.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we already have what we want and we don’t need resolutions. We need connection and we need to listen and when someone tells you they have a New Year resolution….just shut up and listen!
By the way, I love you just the way you are. You are perfectly imperfect. Want a cookie?
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