BAH HUMBUG! After making breakfast and going over my “to-do” list only three days before Christmas, I asked my husband what his plans were today. “Maybe I’ll work on some programming, I’m going to call my parents and well, my throat is a bit scratchy….what are your plans today love?” JUST THE OPENING I WAS WAITING FOR! My reply? Well, I have presents to wrap, a honey baked ham to pick up, I have to drive our son to the movies, I have to go shopping for Christmas Eve dinner, I have cookies to bake and cleaning to do and oh I’m going to order food for the brunch I’m hosting for your former executive assistant!” Then I’m going to feed the effin reindeer and kick the damn elves to the curb because they don’t do shit around the house!
Breathe in. Breathe out. You’ve got this Santa. Who the hell ever thought that Santa was a man?
Santa is a woman. We are the ones who get plump and round and jolly after eating the cookies that we’ve baked while our spouses stay slim and happy. We make the toys for the elves. Those little short stuffs don’t do anything around the house, instead they write long Christmas lists that read like a last will and testament. Maybe, just maybe we intentionally buy them underwear to see their faces on Christmas morning. It’s Santa that shops for the presents (thank you Amazon), spreading Christmas joy to UPS, USPS and the recycle bin at home for all of those boxes.
Santa saved all of those damn ornaments, the ones the elves made in pre-school and the same ones that they want to see on the tree but oh can we do it later mom? Santa hangs the candy canes, puts on the Christmas music weeks before the holiday season and freezes her ass off hanging lights outside because Mr. Claus is on a business trip or working on something or other. This is magic people! Don’t you feel the magic? Santa feels it! She felt it when she and her two youngest kids got into a rip roaring fight over the gingerbread house. OH isn’t this fun? The darn roof kept sliding off, the walls kept caving in and the thing looked more like a house of horrors that winter wonderland.
I know we are supposed to embrace the chaos. I’m embracing it! I’m also eating myself into oblivion. It’s OK because I have a very long sleigh ride in a couple of days and need the fat to keep warm. Christmas cards? Oh you didn’t get one from me? I’m so sorry! I’m not a big fan of perfect family Christmas cards. My family is messy, we never match or get out of sweatpants and most of the time we hardly like each other. Our dogs are cute but currently they are smelly and dirty.
And yet I do love the craziness of this time of year. I’ve learned from the best. My mom always made the holidays special, especially Christmas when she usually went all out. She baked the cookies, she decorated the house and always made us participate in decorating the tree and enjoying the music around the holiday season. She was the Santa that allowed us to wake her up at the crack of dawn and encouraged our father to do the same while they sat with their coffee and watched us tear open our gifts. My mom brought us the magic every single year and as I embrace and complain and reflect, I feel an overwhelming amount of love for her and the traditions that she has passed down. My father was a willing participate so he gets some credit also! HA!
During this holiday time, no matter what holiday you celebrate, I hope you enjoy the love and warmth of family and friends. Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year to you all!
Just remember. Santa is a woman.
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