Why I didn’t report.

Why I didn’t report is trending on Twitter. People are coming forward and telling their stories of sexual assault and violence. They are also explaining why they have never reported their experience. Although there are hundreds of stories playing out on Twitter, how many people are not ready to share their stories? How many have never told someone about what happened to them? The number one reason people don’t report is “I was worried I would not be believed.” When society jokes, trivializes, or denies the seriousness of sexual assault and violence against women or men for that matter, it reinforces rape culture. These stories are all true stories from my time in college.

Boys will be boys.

A friend asked if I wanted to go for a ride. Campus life can get pretty dull so I jumped at the chance to get out of dodge. He took a turn and drove into a field of long grass. I remember thinking that we were going to stall or ruin the car. He shut off the engine, turned to me, and said; “I could rape you right now and no one would know.” I was afraid and confused. At that moment, I decided to verbally attack him, telling him to get me the fuck back to campus and shouting “What the hell is wrong with you!” He quietly turned away and drove me back home. Did my reaction prevent an assault? Why I didn’t report it? I doubted my own sanity. I gaslit myself. It wasn’t possible that a friend had threatened me.

The Resident Assistant

He was a resident assistant, responsible for the residents of his dorm floor. In a serious relationship with another girl from his hometown, he was aloof and held himself above the students. A party in one of the rooms and there was a young woman who had too much to drink. The R.A. went to assist her and she said goodbye to her friends. Instead, he took her into his own room where he gave her more to drink. She passed in and out of consciousness as he assaulted her. She only remembered waking up to see him look down at her and walk out of the room. Why I didn’t report? Why she didn’t report it? Because of shame and a fear that she was the bad person because well….didn’t he have a girlfriend?

The Rapist and The Quiet Girl

He was always smiling, attended all of the dorm parties, and was the son of a politician. Back then there weren’t any “dry” campuses. The girl in the room next door to mine was quiet, a very studious girl who rarely went to any of the parties. One night he walked into her room. She opened the door to a friend. The next morning she claimed that he had raped her. It was a typical he said/she said situation.  He kept on partying and smiling. She disappeared into herself and lost her spark. Why I didn’t report? Why she didn’t report? She did. No one believed her.

When I was Walking Home

I worked at a grocery store during college. My off-campus home was less than a mile away and I didn’t have a car so would walk home at night. One night I heard footsteps behind me. I started to walk faster. The footsteps quickened in their steps. I looked back and saw a man who said “Hey I just want to talk to you!” I started to run. He ran after me but I was home and managed to get inside quicker than he could catch up to me.

The truth is that women don’t feel safe at night. There’s a definite reason why this fear exists. Why I didn’t report? What was there to report? Women live a life of feeling unsafe.

Trivializing the Issue

There’s a meme being disseminated online. A young toddler is being held by a woman and he has his hands on her breast. The meme’s words read “And just like that, Mikey ruined all future chances for political office.”  The meme trivializes sexual assault charges and insinuates that it’s equal to the innocence of youth. As long as we joke or deflect violence against women, our daughters, wives, and friends will continue to be put at risk. Words matter.

We can do better. This is an issue for all of us. Stand by your wives, your daughters, and your friends as they bring attention to this issue but for god’s sake don’t politicize their pain.