My husband and I have been considering downsizing for over two years. I was not prepared to be hit with an overwhelming feeling of loss. What I’ve learned is that the loss is not truly connected to the walls of our home. No. Instead, I am mourning the need to say goodbye to a chapter in my life that is now complete. I am facing the truth that my work here is done. A new chapter begins.
The Loss of What Was
All three of my sons are over eighteen. When I look at my home, I see my middle child sitting outside on the boulder in our yard, holding ice cream and gazing up at the sky. I see that same child burying his hermit crab in the woods behind our house. I go inside and I see my youngest child singing to the Wiggles on his toy guitar. As I turn toward the couch, I remember my eldest child cuddled on the couch with all of his brothers, the pride deep in his eyes and reflected in his heart. This house was good to us. It cradled us within its walls and served us well. I never wanted to let it go. I never wanted to let THEM go.
Loss and Reality
I thought we would keep this house and have future grandchildren visit. But then one son moved to California. Another is finishing university and looking for jobs all over the United States. The youngest is finishing high school and will be away for the next four years. The echoes of their laughter can only be found in my heart and when they occasionally visit. I feel the loss of their childhood, but I had no say in the matter. It is time for them to fly.
Downsizing and The Loss of My Identity
I will always be their mom. I know that. But I am no longer Mommy. Downsizing is forcing me to grow into a new role, one that is about what I want to do, where I want to travel, and how I want to live. The children, these adult men, know that I will always love and support them, but it’s their time to shine now. I need to carve a new identity and have slowly started to figure out what that looks like.
Change is Hard
Change is hard but leads to growth. This is what I keep telling myself. I’ve written about change before, and sometimes I have to go through old posts to remind myself about the lessons I have already learned and need to continue to learn. It’s one thing to write about something and another to live by those words.
Downsizing Starts Today
Today is the day. As I write this, I am preparing to head over to the neighborhood where we are building a new condo with my deposit check. The condo is where we can rest between travel. A home base for our youngest as he navigates college. Perhaps if we find ourselves in Europe (where my husband’s family resides), it will become an investment property. We don’t have all the answers yet but we are willing to find out.
Stay tuned.
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