As I approach sixty, time is becoming an even more precious commodity. I’m not done growing, learning, or experiencing all that life has to offer.
For two decades, my husband and I have been a great team. We both began our careers during the advent of wireless technology, and together we built a home and a life for each other and our three children.
I’m essentially retired from child-rearing, and I stepped away from my career a couple of years ago. My husband, on the other hand, accepted a demanding position in Northern Sweden, and he’s not ready for retirement.
But what happens when you reach a point in your marriage where you begin to see different immediate futures?
You fall out of sync.
It’s not that I don’t have a fulfilling life of my own. I’ve met wonderful people, made new friends, started learning another language, and I write every single day. In fact, there simply aren’t enough hours in the day for everything I want to do.
But there’s something missing.
I want to break the status quo and create new experiences with him. There’s more time now, and I’d like to evaluate how we’re used to living, and embrace new opportunities before us.
My husband comes home exhausted from work. I get it. His days are demanding, and his responsibilities don’t disappear when he walks through the door.
But work continues to dominate our conversations. Honestly, I still share some of his enthusiasm and enjoy our discussions.
However, I’d like more time to talk about other things. Experience new adventures. Discover who we might become in this next chapter of our lives. I want to go on vacation with him. It’s been way too long since we’ve gone away, just the two of us.
He enjoys his work and I wouldn’t take that away from him. However, I find myself increasingly aware that the years ahead aren’t limitless. I’m worried that if we keep postponing the things we want to experience together, one day we’ll discover that the opportunity has passed.
And it’s a little tricky. I’m ready for a new chapter and he’s still happily writing the existing one. The question is: Can we do both?
When Being Busy Together Was Enough
For years, my life revolved around raising children, maintaining a home, and driving someone somewhere. There were sporting events, school activities, family dinners, and endless responsibilities. He was busy with his career. It just worked.
The chaos of those years meant that our relationship was on autopilot. There was always something to plan, solve, or support. We spent weekends with friends watching the kids run around, only to repeat our routine the next week.
But now the children are grown. The house is quiet. The demands that once filled our days have largely disappeared.
Since moving to Sweden, I’ve spent so much time thinking about learning a language, finishing my manuscript, and building a life here, and not enough time to really think about our relationship. What should the next chapter of our marriage look like?
For years, our relationship had a purpose that was largely defined for us. Now we have to define it for ourselves.
And that takes intentional effort. In order to grow together, we have to put in the work.
Of course, that effort can’t come from just one person. We both have to be willing to make room for something more. Something beyond the familiar routines that have shaped our lives for so long.
I don’t expect us to have identical interests or to spend every waking moment together. We’ve always been individuals, and I value that independence. But I do want us to have something to look forward to together, something that belongs to this stage of our lives rather than the one we’ve already lived.
I don’t want to spend the next ten years waiting for a life that I could be living now.
And I don’t want to look back and realize that, somewhere between building careers, raising children, and managing responsibilities, we forgot to nurture the relationship that started it all.
We’ve spent decades building a life together. Maybe it’s time we gave just as much thought to how we want to live it.
I think we may need to learn how to be a couple again.
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