The Nest is Empty
The nest was almost empty but I wasn’t ready. “I don’t know where to put my love!” These eight words came pouring out of my heart. The topic of discussion was the feeling of helplessness I felt while trying to guide my adult(ish) child. In fact, he didn’t want my guidance. Yes, I was a little dramatic, I’m known for those moments. There’s a feeling you get as a mother when your child pushes you away. To be honest, I can apply those words to many situations in my life, from a breakup and divorce to some of the major conflicts I’ve had with my eldest son. Where do you put your love when any relationship ends or shifts?
It’s Hard to Let Go
Fathers seem to be better at letting go when it comes to adult children and I’ve often wondered why that’s the case. One father said to me this week that he doesn’t understand why his wife always gives in to his daughter.
“I do,” I thought as I sat quietly and didn’t respond. Mothers look at their children and see them as they were in the first few minutes of life. Mothers remember sitting on their beds in the middle of the night, falling asleep next to their children so they felt safe enough to close their eyes. We store memories of our child running around the park, a twinkle in their eye, yelling with glee as they are pushed higher and higher in the swing. Then in high school we remember the fear in our hearts. Lessons in how to juggle priorities, get to practice, and deal with the stressors that inevitably pop up all around them. I think some mothers absorb their children into their very souls. We’ve kept them alive by complete sacrifice.
Mothers are not perfect. That’s what my children figured out in high school. I often say I’m a little girl in a 54-year-old body, just trying to figure out how to parent and be an adult. Learning never stops and imperfection never ends. My son Max loves that I’m imperfect and often reminds me that I don’t know it all.
Mentoring not Parenting
Adult children don’t need parenting as much as they need mentoring. After a long conversation with one of my sons, I suggested that he redefine what success really means instead of telling him that he’s taking on too much. Success is not about making money, sleeping in an office because you’re working 12-hour days at a tech company, nor is it winning any popularity contests. What is success? This was our actual conversation.
Success is about being physically and mentally healthy. It’s about figuring out who you are and having the ability to support yourself and love yourself and someone else. Success is about living, experiencing, and learning.
Did he listen? Probably not. After all, he called us again with a stress load that caused my anxiety to flair up, and I had to leave the conversation so my husband could take over the conversation. I have to disengage because one day he will remember my words, but that day is not today. I’m trying to mentor my adult child but he is a man and is rejecting those attempts!
But My Adult Child NEEDS Parenting!
That’s all hunky dory Lorraine, but what if your child says he/she wants independence but does not demonstrate the skills to be independent? How do you stop parenting when their brains haven’t really developed and they are making so many mistakes?
Growing up is natural and we should talk more about letting our baby birds fly out of the nest. The end goal is to have an empty nest. Maybe some of them have to be gently pushed. Will they fail? Most certainly. You’ve failed many times and so will they. Sometimes it’s really tough to change the dynamics. It’s important to let them come to their own conclusions and realizations and change your parenting style. It’s time to let them take up the mantle and of course, you can support them, but in a different way.
Where do you put your love?
You leave it right where it is but adjust its delivery. You create a new parenting relationship, one that allows you to let go and, at the same time,gives them the reins to their own life. Parenting an adult child means recognizing their truth, accepting it, and having faith that they will figure it out, not as you would but as they would.
A good parent allows their child to grow up. They are only on loan, they are not yours to keep, a wise woman once told me. My youngest son is now 16 and is not yet an adult but is asserting his desire for autonomy and independence. It’s been tough for me and I’ve been working really hard at not taking it personally, instead, I’ve been giving myself permission to be happy and less stressed.
So far so good. Ask me how it’s going in a week or two!
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