I’m Right Before My Empty Nest
I’m not yet an empty nester, but I see the crayon writing on the wall. There is a difference between being a “full nester” mom and an “empty nester I can breathe now” mom. Motherhood has been an important part of my identity. I loved, enjoyed, worried, and exhausted myself for two decades. Two of my sons are essentially out of the house and one is finishing up his third year of high school. Technically I’m not yet considered an empty nester, and I don’t know if there’s a name for this stage, but it is definitely a time of preparation.
The Younger Years
During motherhood, I’ve learned to parent different people in one child. First, there’s a baby who giggles, cries, and needs around-the-clock care. You rejoice as that baby says “da da” and “ma ma.” Then you meet the toddler who is constantly yelling for you. The main goal is to keep them alive as they run full speed ahead, jump down steps, bounce off the couch, and make a mess everywhere. It’s a special opportunity to relive your own childhood with visits to the park, special picnics, toys, and a world of imagination. It is such a gift!
The School-Age Years
The school years bring heartache and uncertainty. Your child learns that life is a bit tough, and other kids can be mean. They learn about academic expectations and unfair comparisons. During these years they struggle for autonomy. This period was full of uncertainty for me as I constantly questioned my parenting. How many sports should they play? Should I sit down and help them with homework? Are they playing too many video games? Who is this child now?
Enter the later school years that bring hormones, exposure to alcohol and drugs, bullies (if they haven’t met them already) the dark side of social media, and more pressure. College years are about independence, allowing them to fail while also celebrating when they pick themselves back up.
Loving Them at All Stages
All of these stages of their lives and your journey as a parent require recognizing that your child is changing and growing and requires different parenting as a result. If you have multiple children, you soon learn that what worked for one child does not work for another child. Children are not one size fits all!
It is so easy to hold a picture of your five-year-old in your heart, even when he’s sitting across from you at the dinner table at the age of 16 texting on his phone. Your child’s personality continuously changes but it’s easy to cling to old perceptions. “They are only on loan,” I hear my mother’s words in my head, but now I understand her even more. Parenting requires seeing your child through different eyes over and over again and adjusting accordingly until your lease is up.
Your heart breaks. You hope you can do the right thing. You have 18 years to get it right. It will never be perfect.
True Parenting Success
True parenting success is their independence. It is when they leave you. They tell you they’ve “got this.” They become adults who question your belief system, and your point of view and are verbal about it all. Are you big enough to accept that, to allow them to live their own lives?
Right Before The Empty Nest
As for me, I feel the empty nest stage of my life peeking around the corner. I’ve boxed many of the toys, holding onto the classics in the hope that I can be a cool grandma one day. My youngest is in high school. He is a man. We have different types of conversations and he doesn’t spend a ton of time talking to me. I miss him. I miss all of them but I’m giving myself permission to have more time for myself.
Permission. My friends, if you are reading this, then I have to say that this is the most difficult part of preparing for this stage. Giving yourself permission to let go a little, to find more in life, and to allow yourself to breathe. It’s a GOOD thing. Embrace it. Rest a little, laugh a little, and recognize that you are still a mom who will be needed differently now.
As for me? I’m still needed but I’m in a supporting role at the moment. If I get this halfway correct, then I will actually become an empty nester. I read today that there are three stages to being an empty nester and the last one is joy. I hope to be lucky enough to reach that point.
Onward!
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